By The Echo Satirist
How to demolish your Lowertown property in five easy steps
Most people in Lowertown live in what is called a Heritage Conservation District.
The Lowertown West Heritage Conservation District was designated in 1993 for its cultural heritage value as one of Ottawa’s earliest residential neighbourhoods. The City did so to protect, improve and manage its cultural heritage resources, recognizing that “the character of the area is based strongly on architectural variety […] it is important to maintain this diversity.”
All this may lead you to believe that there are restrictions on what you can or cannot do with your property, but we’re here to tell you: not really. Don’t worry about any of this.
If you want to improve your home, to enhance the heritage features, be prepared for push back from the Heritage department at the City. Best practice here is “don’t ask, don’t tell.” There are no inspectors to keep an eye on what you are doing. Your worst enemy is your neighbor, so have a few beers together and get on with the work.
Want permission to demolish your home? No problem at all. Here are a few tips:
1. First, it helps a lot if you uglify your building. Abandoning it is even better. Don’t let pride get in the way! Look around you: lots of other people are already doing it.
The best demolition service in town is Father Time & Ottawa Weather Inc. – they’ll take care of this for you for an unbeatable price. Best of all, you don’t have to pay for police and bylaw calls at your abandoned property, or for repairs. Just board it up and wait.
2. You have to propose something to fill the space that will be left when you demolish. Make sure that it looks “of its time,” which is code for “not like the other old stuff on your street”. This will get you a green light report from the Heritage Planner, your most important piece of paper.
A time-honoured practice is to propose an unreasonably big development – so you can then back down to what you really wanted and look like a good person. There is also an option to ask small and just build it bigger. Only your neighbours are checking, anyway.
There are many city policies about making your new place compatible with the neighbourhood, but you can ignore these completely – heritage staff, your councillor and most other councillors will not be paying attention to these.
3. You don’t need an expensive architect to draw up your plans! There are lots of designers who will do plans for you; try going off-shore to get a real bargain. You can even fake their credentials, no one is checking.
4. You will need to provide an independent Cultural Heritage Impact Statement, prepared by an accredited Heritage Planner. Don’t worry about the word “independent” – you are paying this company, so how hard can it be to find one who will promote your plan?
5. There is a public consultation process and you will have to go to two committees and City Council to get approval. It’s a nuisance: Heritage Ottawa, your neighbours or the community association busy bodies might object, but with your Heritage Report and your Cultural Impact Statement, you are untouchable.
Best part? No one can appeal the decision to demolish your building. Now go and wreck something old.